You’re a Lesbian

I don’t know what I’ve been called more over the course of my life: a girl, gay, a lesbian, or ‘uh…what are you’.

To get a taste of this, when I was walking home to my condo in Salt Lake from the gas station one night in my late twenties, two girls were leaving the bar on the corner of my block and getting into a Lyft. After I passed them, one of the girls yelled out to me, “Hey, what are you?”

Hmm…strange question, I thought. What do they mean? Are they asking me the great philosophical question. I am the great ‘I Am,’ of course. I am nothing and everything, the unformed, unbound, and undying. But seriously, they probably think I work at the bar or something. They might need help. Maybe they’re just asking what my position is here.

“My friend thinks you’re gay and I think you’re straight.”

Ah, I see. I’ve been here before, I thought to myself as I smiled at them before replying, “Both!”

“Oh, come on! Pick a side!” one of the girls yelled back as I was walked away.

What was weird that night, and many times in my life when I’ve found myself in one of these situations, is that I’m not particularly wearing anything or doing anything “queer.” I was just wearing a plain shirt and jeans, like I do ninety-nine percent of the time, like in the picture below with my kiddos.

I mean, maybe it’s because my pants are tighter than most. Maybe it’s because I roll my jeans a bit in the summer. Maybe it’s because of my narrow stance or how I tend to walk more gracefully then most (straight) guys.

Or maybe it’s my smile…

Or maybe it’s the pointed toes and posture I take…

Or maybe it’s the pointed toes and posture I take…

Or the motherly presence I hold…

Or maybe it’s because I am queer. In every sense of the word…

Now, just to be clear, this doesn’t really bother me. Whether it was my gay assistant constantly calling me a lesbian, or my girl and boy friends calling me a girl growing up, or the kids in my middle and high school calling me gay — I rarely ever felt any real ill-will behind these remarks. Just confusion and interest. “Who the fuck is this guy?…I kinda like him but I don’t know why.”

*  *  *

So, why am I writing about this today?

Well, I decided to write about this for a couple reasons. First, I’ve been seeing a growing interest from people — a lot of discussion—about ‘the Masculine vs. the Feminine.’ And though I think these two labels can be useful or skillful in navigating certain situations or experiences, more often I am seeing them create unnecessary divides and complications in how people view the world. There seems to be no real understanding in one’s own motivation for making this divide.

Second, I’ve decided to incorporate these ‘perceptions’ of the masculine and feminine into a broader topic I’ve been covering — the Buddhist Noble Eightfold Path. And more particularly, the first path, which consists of our worldview or understanding, in which our perception plays a central role.

The Power of Perception

People — all of us — are obsessed with identifying things, putting a label on them, and wrapping them up in a nice little box to use later. This is just the nature of our faculty of perception, whose job is to organize our world into some kind of framework or model to give us a stable view of our ourselves, the world, and our relation to it. It’s efficient. Without this faculty of perception, our experience would be a chaotic mess of changing waves of colors, sounds, and sensations.

So, again, labels are useful…when they are. With the masculine and feminine framework, though, I wonder if it would be more skillful and beneficial to speak to more specific traits. When someone calls me a girl or gay or lesbian, for example, are they trying to tell me that I am missing something important, that I have a deficiency that is harming me or not allowing me to live to my full potential? Am I not strong or courageous enough? Am I not disciplined or ambitious enough? Am I not assertive or self-reliant? Am I too caring or vulnerable? Too empathetic or sensitive? Too expressive?

I see this masculine/feminine framework especially disruptive in spiritual circles, for example, when strong, independent, and assertive women continually hear what the feminine is supposed to look like. Then they start to feel like they aren’t good enough mom’s or partner’s, and so they start to suppress themselves — their own personalities, these impressive qualities they have.

This of course goes the other way too. Sometimes there are men who are the natural caretakers, who would love to be the stay-at-home parent, taking care of the kids and/or house. They’re in-tune with their emotions and the emotions of all around them. Are they unworthy, broken, or whatever because they aren’t “masculine” enough? Fuck that.

What I find to be a more skillful and sustainable approach is to find a partner or friends who carry the necessary qualities to bring the relationship into harmony. We need strong, courageous, bold, and assertive people, and we need soft, receptive, open, caring, sensitive people. Who cares if they have a dick or a vagina. Again, what brings your life and your relationships into harmony? Who can you surround yourself with that can provide the qualities that aren’t necessarily strong in you?

When we look at the world through the Buddhist lens of inter-being, or non-duality, that we are not-two, we begin to see ourselves in everyone and everything. We are no longer divided but united in Love. With this frame, again, we are looking for harmony, we are looking for cooperation. So, instead of clinging to some rigid view of the masculine and feminine, we can move through the world with a more intuitive and fluid approach. We can move in and out of the traditionally masculine and feminine roles.

Now, to be clear, there are real differences between men and women. We are built differently. That’s just a physical fact. So, yes, it is likely we will see more men fall into the classical “masculine” role, and women into the “feminine.”

But just remember, you are so much more than this. You are more than your body. If you look at awareness itself, you will see that you are no thing, unbound and unformed, though you have an address here. You, your emotions, your body, your experience is arising like a wave out of this unbound ocean of awareness. So, be both the wave and the ocean. Navigate this life, not from the small self, but from the great space of Awareness, meeting each wave with this unconditional love and wisdom.