– How my 8-Year-Old Opened & Softened My heart –

The other night, just after the house had tucked its creatures to bed, the youngest knocked at my and my partner’s door. I opened it and saw that tears filled her eyes. “What’s wrong, my sweet angel?” I asked her.

“I am feeling bad about myself,” she told me.

“Oh, I’m so sorry. Those can be big feelings to carry. Do you want to talk them through?” I said as I noticed her siblings in the background, curious about the situation.

“Yeah, I think it would help if we all talked about it.”

“Okay, yeah, let’s talk. Come on in our room. Do you want your siblings to join us, or would you rather talk privately with me and mom?”

“I think I would like the whole family to join,” she replied.

So, everyone gathered in the room and cuddled up on our bed. “Why are you feeling bad about yourself, sweet one?” my partner asked her.

“Well, I don’t think I’ve been treating my siblings kindly. And it makes me feel like I am a bad person. But there’s something else too. The thunderstorm is making me think about death. I’m afraid it will burn our house down.”

“Is that because Aunt X’s house recently burnt down?” my partner inquired.

“Yes. And I’ve been thinking a lot about death lately, which makes me think about how I treat my siblings. And then I think of how I am unkind to them, and it makes me feel like I am a bad person. I’ve been writing about it a lot in my journal. I think I want to show you my journal.”

“Oh precious one, I am so sorry,” I said to her as I swallowed her in warmth and affection. “Those are heavy thoughts and feelings to carry alone. I’m so glad you came to us. Thank you. And yes, we’d love to look at your journal with you.”

After a pause and a long, calming breath, I continued, “Ya know, I don’t think there are such things as good and bad people. Each of us is a mixed bag. We all make mistakes. We all get angry and frustrated at times. We all do things we later regret. This doesn’t make us a bad person. Where we get into trouble is when we don’t learn from our mistakes. But I want to point something out. What is our virtue this month?” I asked her. (As a part of what we call our Morning Devotional, we study a new virtue each month.)

“Humility,” she replied.

“Humility. Humility acknowledges that we are only human and that we make mistakes. But it is also humility that allows us to learn from our mistakes. It is what allows us to admit that what we did was wrong, and then to course-correct. It’s one of the biggest signs of our maturity.”

“And guess what? Who,” I asked everyone, “displayed some incredible humility tonight?”

“Sister did!” They all yelled, with tears running down their cheeks.

“Thank you,” I said to her, “for demonstrating humility tonight, for being so honest, raw, and open. Your example makes it easier for each of us to do the same when we make a mistake.”

A sigh of relief moved down her chest and into her belly. “How does your body feel right now,” I asked her. “Is your heart softer and your mind more open?”

“I feel a lot better now,” she replied, “but I’m still a little tense.” 

“That’s completely understandable. Those were a lot of big emotions to experience. It’s interesting, though, to see how humility affects our mental and physical well-being. It’s almost like we can finally drop a heavy weight we’ve been carrying around. Just something that may be useful to notice.”

“Should we talk about death now,” I asked her. She nodded with wide, eager eyes. “Do you remember how I met death every day last year?” She nodded again. “Why would I do that? Why would I get close to and contemplate death every day? Why would I imagine myself on my deathbed and consider that I may lose in any moment those I hold dearest, like you?”

One of her older siblings quickly answered, “So you can appreciate what you have?”

“Yes,” I said, “absolutely. I meet death so I can appreciate those I love and learn how to spend what precious time I have with them in the most loving way. It seems like your thoughts about death led you to do the same thing. You were worried about how you were treating your siblings and wanted to do better.”

“I know this doesn’t make the idea of death any easier to hold. Death is scary. The uncertainty and finality of it are heavy. It often sits at the root of so many of our fears.”

“Death is both a deeply human and a deeply personal journey. Every human, at one point, must face the concept of death and carry it around with them for the rest of their lives. Now, the typical strategy is simply to avoid it, to run and hide from it. But we can’t run forever. Many of us will lose someone we love and, eventually, all of us must face our own death.”

“The other strategy, then, is to get close to it, to befriend it, to hold it with compassion. What can it teach you about life and love? What can it teach you about yourself? What can it tell you about who and what you value?”

“And remember, though this journey, this relationship with death, is entirely your own, you might find comfort by recognizing that every human to walk this earth has faced the same fear, the same uncertainty. Every one of us has and must face the great unknown, the vast abyss. Death, in some sense, connects and unites us all.”

“You’re incredibly courageous and strong, my precious one. If you ever need to talk through your thoughts and feelings about death or anything else, Mom and I are here for you.”

A reverence and deep peace filled the silent room. Witnessing this night unfold was nothing short of grace.

“Wherever the children go, I’ll follow them.” — Bob Dylan

John Driggs | Meditation Teacher & Founder of The Space of Possibility Podcast, Blog, & Retreat Center | Explore & Expand the Space of Possibility that You are!